


010

by kiholove



Series: one hundred true moments [10]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-06 03:31:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15877620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiholove/pseuds/kiholove
Summary: Hoseok wishes, more than anything else, that things could be different.





	010

If there’s one thing in this world that Hoseok is truly terrible at, it’s living the double life. 

Of course, Hoseok knows that he’s not the only one who has to deal with it, the double life. The precarious balance of freedom and privacy with a career built on constant invasion and never-ending presence in the spotlight, the life where he’s had to learn how to be oh-so-careful with everything that he says and everything that he does and even everything that he thinks. 

All idols live the double life, it’s just what comes with the job. Every idol has the meticulously-crafted persona, the one to share with the public, while the real person stays separate, stays hidden and shoved away into some dark, tiny corner of the mind, only allowed to appear when the cameras are off and the crowds have all gone home. In some cases, the two identities are closely matched, and what the world sees is more or less the same as who that person really is. Other times, it might as well be two completely different beings, the idol and the person behind the idol. 

For Hoseok, however, his situation is a little bit unusual. For him, it’s more like his two identities, the idol Hoseok and the person Hoseok, have always been blurred together. He’s never quite gotten the hang of separating the two the way that other idols, the way that his own _bandmates_ have. 

And Kihyun in particular. 

Yes, Kihyun is particularly skilled at living the double life in ways that make Hoseok’s head spin. And Hoseok is made most aware of this fact, it seems, at the most innocuous times imaginable. 

They’re at the airport on their way to an event abroad, nothing that they haven’t done a hundred thousand times by now. It’s a little worse than usual, however, because it’s so early in the morning and they’ve had no time whatsoever to recover from the months of touring and interviews and schedule after schedule after schedule after schedule, and they’re all exhausted, too tired to even make up their faces or to put together some extravagant and fashionable outfits to please the fans. 

Hoseok himself is barely awake, his mind feeling thick and fogged-up, his eyes barely staying open, his face puffy and soft, skin even more sensitive and pale than usual. He feels like he can feel every molecule of the airport’s stuffy atmosphere sticking uncomfortably to his cheeks, and his legs and body are moving completely on autopilot, heavy and slow like he’s walking barefoot through deep mounds of sand, and he’s supposed to be thinking about everything that they have to do today, everything ahead in the distance, and yet, all he can think about is going _back_ , back to sleep, back to _bed_. 

Back to Kihyun, to the _person_ Kihyun, not the idol Kihyun walking just a few steps ahead of him. 

But the person Kihyun, that’s something that only the person Hoseok gets, not the idol Hoseok. No, the idol Hoseok and the idol Kihyun have a completely different kind of relationship. And as always, he’s having trouble making that distinction, he’s having trouble letting go of the person Hoseok and becoming the idol Hoseok in the midst of their collective exhaustion. It feels like the person Hoseok is still pulling at him even from all the way back in the dorm, and the idol Hoseok keeps trying to break free, but he can’t quite shake off the iron grip of his much more emotional, much more complex alter ego. 

But Kihyun, he’s here as the idol Kihyun, perfectly composed and put together like the other Kihyun, the person Kihyun, doesn’t even exist. He’s wearing a face mask to hide his bare (adorable) morning face as they’ve always been advised to do, and he’s alert and awake compared to the rest of the group, with an energy in his steps so persistent that Hoseok can’t even begin to imagine where it possibly came from. All in all, Kihyun has expertly slipped into his idol persona, has fully become the idol Kihyun, and has effortlessly cut off connection to the person Kihyun that Hoseok was with only just a few hours ago. 

The person Kihyun who had opened up so beautifully beneath him, like a flower. 

The person Kihyun who was left behind at the dorm, back in bed, back in _Hoseok’s_ bed, moaning out Hoseok’s name in the early hours of the morning as Hoseok fucked him slow and sweet, a physical declaration of Hoseok’s unending devotion in the midst of their hectic, chaotic lives, everything always too fast and too much all at once. 

And the memory of it, the feeling of Kihyun’s soft skin and his tight little body, his hands in Hoseok’s hair and then gripping onto Hoseok’s shoulders, his legs wrapped around Hoseok’s waist and his heels digging into Hoseok’s back, the bed creaking beneath them and Kihyun’s sweet little noises, it’s all seeped into Hoseok’s mind, burned into every one of his senses, and every time he blinks all he can see is the look on Kihyun’s face when they climaxed together, opened and connected, _bonded_ like they, at least for a single moment, became _one_ person. 

And Hoseok, poor Hoseok, he can’t quite let it go as easily as Kihyun can, even with the thought in mind that he’ll see the _person_ Kihyun again soon, when they inevitably sneak away together during some stolen moments over the next few days. Perhaps they’ll find some unused storage closet somewhere and Hoseok will lift Kihyun up and fuck him against the locked door under the dim light of a single lightbulb, or perhaps they’ll fuck in the shower, Hoseok taking Kihyun from behind and holding up his delicate little wrists against the slick shower wall, with steam swirling around them and the rush of water masking their cries of pleasure. Maybe they’ll find a dressing room and a raggedy old couch, where Hoseok can sit back and Kihyun can ride him the way he loves to more than anything else, bouncing in Hoseok’s lap and holding on tight and steady to Hoseok’s shoulders with Hoseok’s large hands wrapped around his waist, or, if they’re really lucky, maybe Hoseok will be able to be the true romantic that he really is, and maybe he’ll be able to unfold, to uncover, to _open_ Kihyun slowly on a large, soft bed like they have all the time in the world. 

It’s always a gamble, always a roll of the dice, what kinds of moments they might be able to share together and when and where the next opportunity will arise. It’s all about adaptation, about always being ready, about thinking fast and staying on their toes. And it’s confusing enough without having to also balance their identities, as people and as idols, and Hoseok honestly doesn’t blame himself for always having such a hard time with it, because it’s tough, it really, really is. 

It’s especially tough in this moment, when Kihyun angles a certain specific way as they continue through the airport, and something stirs in Hoseok’s gut, something hits all of Hoseok’s senses all at once like the most powerful kind of déjà vu. Something about Kihyun’s sweet, gentle scent, the smallest bit of warmth that Hoseok feels from walking so close to him, even the barely-audible murmur of his voice, it takes Hoseok right back to the scene last night, the person Hoseok grabbing the idol Hoseok back, _yanking_ him back with no resistance, and suddenly, Hoseok can’t help himself. 

He forgets all about the crowds of people around him, the fans and the cameras and the hundreds of pairs of eyes watching, and he presses in close to Kihyun, fits himself perfectly around Kihyun’s little body and drapes an arm around Kihyun’s shoulder, pulls Kihyun in and closes his eyes and leans in close to Kihyun’s face, to Kihyun’s ear, and for one moment, takes it all back in. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even breathe, just _feels_ it, feels it in all of his senses washing over him like he’s sinking into deep, deep water, sinking into his bandmate and friend and lover just like he had last night, sinking into everything that is the real person _Kihyun_. And for a single moment, he allows himself to fully become the real person _Hoseok_ in turn. 

When he pulls back, he feels Kihyun soften under his touch, and Kihyun’s eyes flicker up to meet his own, and they look at each other, look right through each other even in the middle of all of the chaos surrounding them, and for a single moment, a single instant in time, Hoseok sees the person Kihyun looking back at him, the idol Kihyun completely vanished, and they communicate wordlessly, effortlessly with just their eyes, with just the pull and the energy of everything else between them. 

Hoseok says _I miss you_ and Kihyun says _I’m here_. 

And then, like a puff of smoke, it’s gone, it's over, and Kihyun is turning away from him, slipping back into his idol persona, becoming the idol Kihyun, the person Kihyun drifting away, drifting all the way back to the soft sheets and the comforting darkness of Hoseok’s bed back at the dorm. But Hoseok is still there too, and he‘s feeling left behind, and he‘s hit with a wave of melancholy, because it shouldn’t have to be like this. They shouldn’t have to separate their identities, steal moments, live with this constant struggle. 

Yes, Hoseok has always been terrible at living this double life, in all of its cruelty and hopelessness. But all he can do is keep moving forward the best that he can, all he can do is be there when the person Kihyun is ready to reveal himself once more, all he can do is love him and cherish him and take care of him the way he deserves to be loved and cherished and cared for. 

All he can do is wait.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on twitter @justiceforkiho


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